Paolo from the block – 03/07/08

Monday 23rd June –  Stephen & Eyecandy Spencer

I take the day off from the people’s republic of Suma to make a terrace in the garden.

As they say in Elland – What a good do.

Sun, fresh air, peace and quiet while also doing man stuff with spades and spirit levels.

A mate has given us a picnic bench that they got from outside a pub in town. So the idea is to flatten part of the garden. Put flags down, put the bench on and enjoy la dolce vita. Here I mean the good life, not the Fellini film featuring Anita Ekberg.

Here’s a quiz question – name the song and win a bong.

Well, my telephone rang it would not stop,
It's President Kennedy callin' me up.
He said, "My friend, Bob, what do we need to make the country grow?"
I said, "My friend, John, Brigitte Bardot,
Anita Ekberg,

Anyway. I get the job done and we all have tea outside. Spaghetti. La dolce vita, al fresco dans le jardin de Max Factor.

I need more Barleycrap.

Joe Le Taxi.

 

Tuesday 24th June – Me, Myself and I, Stephen ¾ Daydream Believer ¼

Arrived by bike and train at 7.15.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles is a great film staring Steve Martin, who made many great films (The Jerk, Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid, The Man with Two Brains, Roxanne) before starting to make shitter ones Like Father of The Bride.

I’m picking out a thermos for you, not an ordinary thermos for you.

Got in, knowing that my kitchen helper, Eyecandy,  had been sent driving. Stephen had stepped in and made the canteen look lovely. Cheers.

Gave me thyme to make a special pudding to keep Electric and Hairy Liam off my back. What a pair of pudding obsessed cock monkeys they are.

Anyway, to cheer them up I made a Joan Bakewell Tart with real custard and it was nice.

Main course was potato and spinach curry, Sophie Dhal, Rice, Poppa Poppa Doms, Pop pop a pop a doms and chutneys.

 

Wednesday 25th June –  Pastry Paolo

Saw someone yesterday wearing a Mouldy Joes T-shirt. Holy shit-cakes, Mouldy Joe’s have obviously gone global while I haven’t been looking and I’ve spent the last however many years cheeking Tidybeard and Paolo.

Wonder if it is too late to be all-nice to them so I can join the inner circle and travel with them to L.A. and party with Jangly Neil.

You don’t want to go to L.A it’s just a great big freeway.

This is Mrs H, she’s gorgeous. She’s one lady who knows how to take care of herself. And this is our dog, we found him by the side of the road, so we called him ‘Side-of-the-road’.

Fame may or may not change the Mouldy’s

Don’t be confused by the rocks that he got.
He’s still Paolo from the block.

I watched the Germany – Turkey semi final in the evening.

?ansl? alman horoz mayman.

Is what you get when you type Lucky German Cock Monkey into an on-line Turkish translation site. Probably not that accurate, something almost certainly lost in translation but the sentiment is there.

Lost In Translation is a great film that I recommend that you see if you haven’t already.

Sweet, sad, sardonic and funny, it stars Bill Murray and Scarlet Johansson. Murray plays an ageing movie star in Tokyo to film a whisky advert. Johansson is the wife of a celebrity photographer who is with her husband who is working in Tokyo. Old and haggard Murray basically falls for young and beautiful Johansson.

Film ends with the awesome Just Like Honey by the Jesus and Mary Chain.

Pizza for lunch, three different toppings according to Eclectic David and also a pudding. David Electricity described the pudding as flat and curranty, maybe he meant currenty.

 

Thursday 26th June – Katharine of Tarragon & Slappy Slappard

I came in early today to get some cleaning done. On the way in I saw a Police car with flashing lights pulled over at the side of the road. Someone had knocked over and killed a deer. Must resist the temptation to write ‘Oh dear’.

Sh*t, I couldn’t.

Bad do.

Felt sad.

Well-mega-sad.

Could only have happened quite recently. Imagine turning a corner and crashing into Bambi Gascoigne. That’s a bad start to someone’s day. Bad bloody start for the deer.

If you go back to the early days of this blog, there is one entitled ‘Hello Deer’ after I saw a deer one morning in our garden before setting off to work. My eldest daughter ran through to see, skidded on the carpet and went face first into the wall. After calming her down and mopping up the blood and teeth, we snuck outside to check out the deer. We got quite close and looked into its eyes. Kind of magic, without wanting to sound like a Queen song.

Shabba.

Have accidentally gone sad all over your ass and don’t quite know how to turn it round.

On a brighter note, today I am calling in on a couple of ex-Suma workers who now run Calder Valley Soaps. They are Cozzy Ozzbourne and El Hadj Geoff Caramac.

Since leaving the people’s republic of Suma they have become fat cat billionaires with secretaries, golf caddies and massive beer guts, must remember to ask them if they have any jobs going.

Katharine of Tarragon and The Slappard in the canteen, making food and  washing-up. Aye.

 

Friday 27th June – Rowena Someone else

Food from the very top draw of vegetarian cookery from Rowena.

Canteen cleaning from the very top draw by Daydream believer.

Thai red curry, hubba hubba.

Tofu, mushrooms and cashews. Mmmm.

Satay sauce. Grrrrrrr.

In the evening I went out and met up with Cozzie Ozzbourne and El Hadj Geoff, soapy titmonkies of the Calder Valley. Got driven around in their Limo, throwing bars of soap at dirty poor people then went to their mansion and partied in the hot tub. Either that or we drank Sambuca and stumbled home pissed.

Saturday I had the six major symptoms of an over-hang

Queesey Gonzales
Stubble Trouble
Fredache
Nil by mouth
Crazy red eye
Gold finger

Luckily the health farm that is da Suma canteen will be open on Monday for detoxing my sorry ass.

Peace out Homies

Answer to the quiz question - Bob Dylan, I Shall Be Free ("The Freewheelin' Bob Dylan", 1963)

Heron and snails – 27/06/08

Monday 16th June –  Rowena and Rocket Ronnie

Have skipped a few weeks because that’s just the way it is.

Every now and then that’s what will happen and you’ll never know what has been going on in the canteen of the people’s republic of Suma.

We have to have our little secret private times that you know nothing about, don’t we? It’s how to keep a relationship alive, a bit of excitement, a bit of je’ne c’est pas. A little un kilo de couscous, a frisson of ou est le Tabasco.

I knew you’d understand.

In the canteen today is Rowena and Eyecandy Spencer. The food will undoubtedly rock ass.

I have been cycling into work during the summer, along the canal which is very fine. I have seen kingfishers, rabbits, herons, snails, ducklings, goslings and bums honking on crack-pipes.

I did also see a shrew the other day. In case you don’t know a shrew is not a big powerful beast. Whoever you are, you would almost certainly win a fight to the pain against a shrew.

Tuesday 17th June – Christine and Paul C

Once when I was cycling in Dalby forrest, I saw an adder, eating a baby bird. Circling just above was the baby bird’s mother (or father, or grandparent, or main carer) tweeting in bird language. A fairly accurate guess would be that the bird was saying,

 ‘Oh snake, please don’t eat my baby’.

The snake didn’t listen, it was not bilingual and could only speak parcel tongue. It proceeded to gobble up the beaky friend. I think that even if the snake could have understood sparrow, it probably still wouldn’t have let the little one go. Bill can speak sparrow. That is coz he is a cockney and a pearly king.

Short hairy Liam (I think it was him) sent me a video clip of a big snake regurgitating a hippo.

Mental.

Did snakey say to itself, actually now I’ve had that hippo, I’m not sure I really wanted it. Or did the hippo have a bitter after taste.

Nature kicks ass.

Would have liked to come across that scene while out biking on the outskirts of York, so bad they named it once.

No idea what Christine made, probably baby bird starter with bulgur and hippo as a main course and probably just yoghurts off the free pallet for pudding as hippo takes ages.

Liam said it was delicious and had seconds. Eclectic David moaned ‘cause there was no proper pudding.

Wednesday 18th June – Pastry Paolo and some poor unsuspecting Cockmonkey

Turner. Massive Mushrooms in a mushroom sauce. Salty bread. Pasta.

Emma B was in fact Paul’s helper. What a mean piece of rotaing, putting nice Em in the canteen with a beast of a fellow like Paolo. Only kidding, lovely Paolo with his B.H.F.

Paul cooked wearing his flip-flops and Speedos.

Don’t do bhajis wearing your budgie smugglers Paulo, there’ll be a queue of knicker - throwing ladies clogging up the canteen. Also health and safety will go mental on your ass in case you splash the auld fella with hot sunflower oil.

Thursday 19th June – Sheena Colada and The Slappard

Chickpea Soup, bread, lentils, salad.

Brownies.

Chez Slappard last night, I think someone passed that dude a harsh bong. He told me he had spent all night ruminating on pasta wastage due to having no colander. He worked out if he buys a colander and looses less pasta while draining,  he will save himself ninety quidditch.

If that were I Slappard, I’d spend the ninety quid on a solid gold colander. Chicks go wild for a guy with a solid gold colander, everyone knows that.

 

Friday 20th June – Homie Walker

Trudolph and Alison are off to Blackpool Pleasure-me Beach tonight.

Holy cow.

Expect kiss me quick hats, fake turds, stink bombs, hangovers and novelty plastics knockers on the mezz next week.

Taxi.

Deff Jeff freestyling it on his own with Daydream Believer. Chilli, Paul Bakers, Coleslaw, leaf salad, Baba Ganoush, tortillas.

Delicious.

The boy has officially flown the nest and can keep it real on his own. Having flown the nest, must remind him not to swoop down and tease any adders.

Devil farts in my face – 20/06/08

Monday 12th May –  Baking Stephen and Fredy

Stephen our regular Monday cook is at the helm today. He steers the good ship Suma towards fat tummies and shit picking figures. He  seriously raises the bar. How many dishes does he make?

12 and a chuffing pudding. That is more than two dishes per hour, it’s a weeks worth of variety in a single lunchtime, for a hundred people and he does the dishes too, or Fredy does.

Fredy lives in my next-door neighbour house and is great.

I have a pang of competitiveness and vow to do some kind of similar spread tomorrow.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

Find out what it means to me, as the great Aretha Franklyn sang.

Aretha rarely comes into the canteen nowadays because she can’t be ar*ed. Nothing to do with the food, the food’s bang on.  Respect was originally written by Otis Redding who hates our canteen, says the food is wack.

He doesn’t come down and say it to our face though, otherwise Roadragey Phil would hold his arms while pastry Paolo gave him a couple of Huddersfieldy fingers in his eyes. Ha, you’d have a job watching the ships rolling in then, wouldn’t you Scroatis?

I work in Customer Support today, supporting our customers. The devil farts in my face as I am left with the fall out of several little mistakes that have grown into big bad hairy mistakes. I tame these hairy beasts by saying,

‘I’m ever so sorry, we’ll send it to you by carrier pigeon.’

I go home to do some jogging, sit ups and lots of carbs in order to be at the peak of vegetarian catering so that I can match Stephen’s fine efforts

Tuesday 13th May– Me, Kate & Rowena

Bread, cream of  spring vegetable soup, rice salad, pasta salad and green salad.

I bust my balls trying to make a spread as fine as yesterday but is not to be. I do make bread though.

Fancy bread with Suma organic sun-dried tomatoes, olives, onions. The bread gets me off the hook a bit.

No pudding though so Eclectic Dave finishes with me, and short hairy Downsborough gives me a Chinese burn.

Where’s the veg man? He should be here, it’s all going knockers-up. The veg man is not a man made entirely out of vegetables that would be stupid. Like a milkman or a paper-boy. The veg man gets a puncture and is delayed.

My ass.

He’s an employee of Chris Saddlebags and has taken a leaf out of the great man’s book and is asleep under a tree farting and dreaming about Franny Lee.

I Try to compete with Stephen’s awesome performance yesterday but can only manage half the dishes.

Never mind, from the Latin ‘Neverus Mindicus.’

Wednesday 14th May – Pastry Paolo

Do you recognise these big fat Huddersfieldy fingers? They belong to my old mate Paolo who can make any type of pastry you like, whilst also singing Night Boat to Cairo and pleasuring a room full of ladies at the same thyme.

I’ve just done a moon
A small teaspoon
On the banks of the river Calder.

Thursday 15th  May - Tricky and Slappard

It’s tricky to rock a rhyme
To rock a rhyme
That’s right on time it’s tricky
Tricky. Tricky. Tricky. Tricky.

Tricky will always be a canteen legend in my eyes for spending most of his first day as canteen helper making choc-ices. Wakey almost exploded.

Were are you Wakey? Come back. All is forgiven.

Lets spend a few minutes thinking of great Suma monks that have retired. Jenny phone a friend Naylor, mmmmm.

Dr Sewart, ahhhh.

Eggy-Doggy Dog, rrrrrr.

And the Lone Granger. Cock-a-doodle-doo and taxi!

Any of you seen Bullet proof Monk? That’s a great film. Macademia will have seen it as he has seen most films ever.

If any Suma workers want to put out a shout for freaks who have flown the nest, then give drop me an email.

News from the transport department, Harty broken down in the lakes.
Piston Broke.
What else is new?

Friday 16th May - Sadia And Daydream Believer

Russian Pie. From Russia with love.

From Russia with Love, with Connery as Bond and Lois Maxwell as Miss Funnyfanny, is considered by may to be the finest film in the Bond series, until the recent Casino Royale, starring NAM account manager Terry Scott.

Abramovich pops in to enjoy some Russian pie and offers me £12 million for Paolo. I tell him to piss off and take that tit Kenyon with you.

No you can’t just have some of Sadia’s curry before you go.

Paolo’s not going anywhere.

That’s all this week from the greatest wholefood supplier in the whole world, the biggest single pay employer in the UK and the greatest vegetarian canteen in Elland.

Some of us eat meat, some of us smoke fags and some of us like road rage. Some of us smoke fags made out of meat.

No we don’t.

Peace to you, beware the binary beard, you can’t miss it, it’s either off, or on.

 

Shut up Liam, shut up Noel – 19/06/08

Monday 5th May – Bank Holiday and Sheena Colada

Pasta bake and a big disgusting creamy pastry pudding, designed to undo 100 hours of sit-ups in one portion.

Are you having any pudding?
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Oh Alright then.

I came in by train and then cycled home along the canal. I called in to see Geoff Caramac and Cozzy Ozzbourne at their new soap factory but they weren’t in. They make soap for Suma. They were probably playing golf somewhere as they are now local businessmen that have their own company and everything.

Tuesday 6th May – Me and Def Jeff

Me and the main Homie keeping it real in da canteen.

Start to let Jeff loose on a few dishes and the boy done good. We make Soup (Moroccan brown lentil with cumin and spinach). I like this and have a distrust of anyone that doesn’t.

Also I free style it with the bread and it is fat. A normal white bread recipe but at the last knead, throw in a handful of chopped black olives, feta, rosemary and some fried onions and garlic.
Nice. Based on a recipe by Delia, queen of food.

Deff Jeff moonwalks his way through a pasta salad and a bean salad. It all comes together and is fine. Bum rush the show.

No pudding so Liam Downsborough is gutted and slaps Tidybeard.

The benefits of not doing a pudding are two-fold. Less washing up and Philys gets a fat lip. Got to be good for morale.

Wednesday 7th May – Pastry Paolo and some poor unsuspecting Cockmonkey

I have a day in the sunshine while Paolo works his Huddersfieldy fingers to the bone.
Paolo does a curry with bhajis and apparently in the words of one of my colleagues,

‘it were great’

Also Manchester Tart. It’s almost like a vanilla slice with a pastry base, lots of jam and coconut on top. He made another one. Larpey had both puddings but cannot remember what the second one was.

So Paolo, to summerize. The curry was great as was the tart but your second pudding was not memorable, six out of ten.

Harsh but fair.

Thursday 8th May - Katharine of Tarragon and Def Jeff

These two spend all day scrapping. Dinner is fecked and I have to bang their heads together.

Trudolph, Queen of the mezzbians saves the day by making cheese sandwiches for a hundred people. What a cupcake.

Friday 9th May - Rowena Someone else

Rowena did the cooking, the basting, the roasting, the broiling and the baking.

Someone else was supposed to do the dishes. Someone else couldn’t be arsed. In the end nobody did it for an extra quarter lieu. I write another song to celebrate.

Quarter lieu - I was only thinking of quarter lieu.
Quarter lieu – nobody cleaned the canteen too.
Quarter lieu – couldn’t escape if I wanted to.
Quarter lieu - knowing my fate is to pick with you.
Personnel - finally logging my quarter lieu.

I’m off to take it to the bridge funkmasters ‘cause I want to get into it. Moving, doing it like a pick machine. Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

Get up. Get on up.
Get up. Get on up.
Get up. Get on up.

Like a picking machine.

The Barley Cup is wearing off now. Have a nice weekend.

 

Masterchef – 22/05/08

Monday 28th April – Stephen and Sheena Colada

Stephen cooks. Stephen has been on Masterchef, I kid you not. This is not a piece of cake mud. It is literally true.

And he cooks for us and we don’t have to pay and we’ve got Rowena. You’d pay a fortune in the outside world for the kind of (Sandy) tucker we get to eat here.

Some of the chillis I make, no kidding, on the open market you’d probably have to pay about three quid for. I know!

Take that Essential. Bosh. Have a bit of that Community. Can’t touch us. Break it down. Hammer time.

The chili pepper, chilli pepper, or more simply just "chili", is the fruit of the plants from the genus capsicum which are members of the nightshade family. Even though chilis may be thought of as a vegetable, their culinary usage is generally as a spice. The name, which is spelled differently in many regions (chili, chile, or chilli), comes from the Spanish word chile which means hot as feck.

Tuesday 29th April – Me and Def Jeff

Deff Jeff arrives having run all the way from Hebden Tunnel. That’s a fib to start with, he gave me a lift in his nice car. It is a beautiful morning, one of those mornings when it makes you glad to be a live.

Jeff is great in the canteen. He doesn’t stop. I don’t mean blah blah blah like Paolo, I mean work. He’s always a-wiping and a-cleaning. He will be a useful ally in the Rebel Alliance’s fight against the Empire of dirt.

We make Soup, cream of spring vegetable. Home made bread, white and brown. Spicy couscous salad, coleslaw and potato salad. I put new boy in charge of potato salad. Christ, what a mistake that was, still everyone enjoyed their ‘mash’ with mayonnaise. That kind of slackness may have been okay in your last post sunshine but not here.

Wednesday 30th April – Pastry Paolo and some poor unsuspecting Cockmonkey

Paolo probably provided perfect pies n puddings.

Little canteen poppet.

Talking of little canteen poppets, I wonder how Wakey is doing in the Unified Stations of Amerikey. What I’d like Em, if you read this at some point while you are over there with our cousins, whose nation has such a proud history, is if you could email back some wicked little tale of America and it’s culinary delights. I can cut and paste it into here. We look cool and cosmopolitan and I can toss it off for an extra half hour in the canteen and have a massive super-sized peanut butter and brinjal sandwich on rye sitting on the sidewalk next to the trash cans, while the D.A busts my ass.
Or something.

Thursday 1st May - Sheena Colada and The Smithchild

Sheena is Queen of Puddings, her lemon dribble cake makes grown men quack and her chocolate brownies are so nice they make grown women moo.

Today she is working with Jonathan Smithchild. He is only nine and is the heir to the Smithchild and Beecham fortune but is here on work experience.

He’s little and needs steps to reach the sink. He supports QPR and is rarely seen out of the warehouse. The only thing smaller than him is a little sparrow in the yard, which is the best fed sparrow in Britain. Yesterday alone it ate nearly eighty quids worth of organic hazelnuts.

The Smithchild is the youngest Reacher in Europe, there is a younger one in Argentina but me and Big Daddy Kane have promised to ‘take him out’, and I don’t mean for a Bernie Steak, so little Johnny can have his crown.

Piña Colada from the Spanish meaning strained pineapple, is a sweet, rum based cocktail containing light rum pineapple juice and coconut cream. The drink is typically served either blended or shaken with ice. It is the official beverage of Puerto Rico and Marsden. Like most cocktails it is basically a cure for not being totally smashed.

Sheena Colada made chilli, salsa, refried beans, rice salad and chocolate brownies to celebrate May Day.

Friday 2nd May - Sadia and Daydream Believer

Happy Days.

Sadia makes curry and everyone is as happy as Larry. Larry is the sparrow that lives in the yard and feasts on Organic hazelnuts. He is so happy with this arrangement. He can no longer fly, he just sits on the pallets laughing at us and dribbling out of his nutty little beak.

The Monkees sang day Dream Believer.

The Monkees were a pop-rock quartet created and based in Elland in 1965 for an television series of the same name. The show, which ran from 1966 to 1968, helped make them one of the most popular music acts in West Yorkshire. In 1967 they outsold Elvis, The Beatles and The Mouldy Joes combined. The members of the group were El Hadj Geoff, Andi Butterbean, The Firth of Forth and Claire Rickshaw.

The Monkees officially disbanded in 1971 and became founder members of the Peoples Utopian Republic of Suma.

I am excited about the weekend as I believe Indianna Jones and the Temple of Doom is on.

I have been telling my eldest daughter about it, I was about her age when I saw it at the cinema. I remember being spellbound as Dr Jones steals the artefact in the opening scene and then gets chased down the underground tunnel by a ginormous falafel.

Harrison Ford is now 65 and is making another Indianna Jones film. He doesn’t look any different. Why? Because he buys all his food from Suma. Terry does his delivery on the Los Angeles run and Harrison often invites Terry in for Roibosch tea but Terry says no because he doesn’t want to be any trouble.

Watch it too. Have a good weekend, keep off the crack and avoid the full moon, especially if you’re off dirty dancing.

Rhubarb and Plums – 21/04/08

Monday – Stephen and Rocket Ronnie

Back once again is the renegade master, D4 damager power to the couscous. Where’s the ghost of Doctor Stewart?

“Taxi!”

There he is pretending to make love to someone when they’re not looking. Happy days as the great ginger beast would say.

I’m back writing the blog after an absence of several months. Thanks to the Queen of Wakefield for holding the baby while I was away.

Hope the baby didn’t pooh.

The Queen is on a state visit to San Francisco, roller-skating over Golden gate Bridge, getting tattoos and eating Burritos. Take care Emma, Hen and we’ll see you when you get back. Take only photos, leave only footprints.

Business as usual in the canteen. Stephen conjures up a delicious Mediterranean feast followed by trifle. I have the great pleasure of sitting next to Liam and Noel Downsborough.

You known when you get onto a National Express Coach and find the only seat left is the one next to the nutter? That’s what it is like getting a plate of food in the canteen and turning round to see the only chair left is the one between Liam and Noel. Should have noticed lots of people sitting outside in the driving rain and gusting winds, but no.

They argue about which is the greater ocean, the Atlantic or the Pacific.

Noel says shut up our kid, Liam hits Noel. Noel hits Liam back, that kind of thing. Noel is of course king of tidy beards, road rage, Fred Perrys and credit control. Liam is of course king of eating and prince (2) of possibly having worms.

Guess how many portions of trifle Liam has, the dirty sod. Six. I’m not kidding. That’s more than a working weeks worth. Bloody six. Maybe Stephen put a rock of crack into it. Liam said it was very moreish.

This is the last week of Dr Egg Doggy Dog at Suma. He is going to live in Los Angeles and try and broker a peace between The Crips and The Bloods by rapping about avoiding honey and leather.

Good luck with that one, Eggdog.

We will of course miss the old Barge Monkey. He will exist at Suma, like Dr Stewart and the Lone Granger as a ghost in the virtual world of the canteen blog. So if you occasionally hear someone saying something vegany while Stewart shouts Taxi, that’ll be the Doctor. Good luck to him.

Tuesday – Katharine of Tarragon and Def Jeff

Katharine of Tarragon in the area with new guy of the canteen who we are hilariously calling Deff Jeff. He comes to the canteen with a whole lot of attitude and dripping in gold jewellery.

Take that off.

We don’t want bling in the soup. That might have been okay in your last job, sitting on your arse in the windowless room, but not in here. I’m trying to run a high class catering outfit.

He’s a total Homie and will do well in the canteen. Perhaps a little too well. Many chicks seem to dig him in a pinny, it’s almost as bad as working with Eye Candy Spencer. People come in and ask him to just bend down and pick up spatulas they’ve ‘accidentally’ dropped.

I could rota him and Johnny together. Jesus, the place would grind to a halt. It would be like one big Diet Coke advert, only with Purdeys.

Anyway.

Katharine makes fine spaghetti and Deff Jeff busts the whole show open with a bread and butter pudding. He makes this while body popping.

Taxi!

Wednesday – Pastry Paolo and some poor unsuspecting monkey

No change here I suspect.

It’s a Wednesday, it’s Paolo and it’s pastry. I am not in work today but you don’t need to be Marvin Gaye to know what’s going on.

Paul with his lovely Big Huddersfieldy fingers makes folk weak at the knees by walking into the room, making ten pies and fourteen puddings, all before 8.30am.

And he sings in a band.

Before I get a million emails asking if this beast is single; of course he isn’t! He’s been snapped up. He is unavailable but you can look at him every Wednesday working in the greatest vegetarian canteen in the whole of West of Yorkshire. He’s the one with a pile of knickers at his feet and big fingers, singing Monkey Man.

We’ve been having a lot of rhubarb in the canteen of late, which has been terrifically fine. My mum made a nice drink using rhubarb that sounds improbable but it is true. She stewed the rhubarb with sugar for a crumble or something then strained off all the liquid. She then added this liquid to a classic martini with lots of crushed ice and some vanilla. It was awesome. Like getting smashed on Rhubarb and Custard.
Maybe that’s how they made the cartoon Rhubarb and Custard.

Thursday 24th

Day off today but also the two-week anniversary of me having had the snip.

Have written a song about it. The Mouldy Joes are almost certainly going to want to add this to their repertoire. Paulo singing, Ragey Neatbeard on bass and Jangly Neil blowing his horn. Here goes then. Vasectomy.

Vasectomy
All my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in Vasectomy.
Suddenly,
I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a surgeon hanging over me,
Vasectomy

came suddenly.

Why it
Had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said,
Something wrong, now I long for reverse vasectomy ee ee eee.

Vasectomy,
Love was such an easy game to play,
Now I’m too sore to bone away,
Oh, I believe in vasectomy.

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

Beautiful, I think you’ll agree. I need to have a sperm test in a few months to see if it has worked. I dread the surgeon saying,

“I’m sorry sir, I don’t think the operation has made a Vas Defferonce”.

Boom Boom.

Advantage of the operation – massive plums. Disadvantage – they’re purple.

Friday - Stephen And Daydream Believer

Not a heap to say about today. May have to make up a whole load of bollocks. Regrettably I have to inform you that ‘load of bollocks’ is out of stock and there is no suitable substitution.

Stephen made a pasta bake with steamed broccoli and green leaves. Very tasty. The peoples republic of Suma has a general meeting in the evening. The general meeting is a big unwieldy beast that is difficult to tame. I sneak off early to put the kids to bed.

Peace to you, whole food monks. Speak soon.

A biscuit - Thankyou! – 04/03/08

As I write this I’m being grossed out by Hilary’s talk of being able to feel her kneecap moving and made laugh by Eddie doing Little Britain impressions. Computer says no!

On Friday and Saturday last week Ruth and I went to represent Suma at Food Drink and Rhubarb Festival in my very own Wakefield. Our stand was in a prime location between a pork pie stand and Burger King (whose toilets we sneakily used all weekend, what is known in the business as a McShit with Lies!). We kept ourselves going by quoting Eddie Izzard references to each other all day and giggling like idiots whilst holding on to our stand to try and stop it being blown away by the wind! Did I leave the gas on?

Monday – Stephen  & James

The Food: Pasta bake, vegetables. Raspberry & rice layer pudding.

Now if you are a regular reader of this blog (there must be some, well one!) You will have most likely picked up that I am crap at remember things, so when it comes to having to write about what happened a whole week ago… well I’m rubbish, so everything from here onwards will most likely be made up (except the food, sat near me today is Jenny, who fortunately remembers everything ever! yey!)

Today Stephen is sat next to me reminiscing about when he had a black eye inflicted by a falling jar of grapefruit spread whilst he was out driving. That week he stood behind the canteen counter looking at people with the contempt of Marco Pierre White just daring people with his black eyes to ask him for some lemon curd!

Tuesday - Emma C & Julius

The Food: chilli, rice, nachos, cheese. Chilli chocolate cake

Ooooh chocolate chilli cake. I was quite proud when making this and tasted the cake mix that it was really bloody nice! When it was baked though, it seems the chilli had cooked out and you couldn’t really taste it! I was mucho disappointed, but ah well, it was still a nice chocolate cake!

OMG! (that’s text speak for ‘oh my god’ for those of you not down with the kids), I almost forgot that this was the day that Julius walked in all nonchalant probably hoping that I didn’t notice the fact that he had an ear ring in! But I did notice, oh yes I did, so much to my own amusement the rest of the day was filled with jokes about him looking like George Michael (yes ripped straight from Friends when Ross got an ear ring, but don’t forget Jules has never seen anything on TV so he thought all the jokes were my own! Muh-ha-ha!)

Wednesday – Paul & Andi

The Food: Pizza, salads, 5 puds

Today Paul wore red overalls to work and drew a moustache on and talked with a fake Italian accent all day so obviously he was going to make pizza! He also kept going on about his brother Luigi and having to save some Princess or something? He also kept nipping throughout the day and coming back looking a bit bruised and mumbling about someone called Wario?! I think he might have spent a bit too much time with the ‘The Class Warrior’ and it’s sent him a bit doolally (as my Nan would say!)

Thursday – Sheena & Katharine

The Food: Al-fez meal, chocolate brownies

We had a guest cook today! A nice lady from Al-fez came in to cook us some lovely North African food. She made the best soup I had ever tasted, [EDIT BY JULIUS: She made a soup which was not a nice as Julius’ soup, Jules makes the best soup in the world, ever! He is the excellence of soup execution, the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be! /EDIT] it was veggie and noodley, and it has just made me a little bit sad that I will most likely never have this soup again!  She also whipped up a vegetable tagine, spiced cous-cous and salads. She can most definitely come again!

Friday – Rowena & Gill

The Food: Thai green curry

I wasn’t here today, I was in a wind swept Wakefield with Ruth force feeding passers by with yoghurt covered sunflower seeds and unsulphered apricots. I swear if I have to explain what unsulphered means one more time I’ll scale the racking in the warehouse and start throwing tins of chickpeas at people. I also don’t think I've ever drank so many chai lattes in one weekend before either, although I’m not against trying, I do love me a chai latte! Mmmmm

Right then now for our regular feature…’what can I hear going on around me right now’… (imagine your own catchy jingle)

*Talk of Harry Hill’s TV Burp and Freaky Eaters. Two words – Pure Genius!
*How Ross has failed at everything he has ever attempted in his life due to some Football Manager game. Tsh, boys.
*God, everything else is boring today, nothing to the level of diggerworld!
*Hold the phone… there has just been talk of someone being covered in yoghurt to sooth a rash. Probably very affective, but the logistics of coving yourself in yoghurt and trying to go about your day to day life seems slightly unrealistic, amusing, but unrealistic.

Jeesy Creesy – 28/01/08

Hello! Once again, I was off some of last week ( I do occasionally do a whole week without a day off! Occasionally…) this time I was in Dublin practicing staying in hostels in preparation for my upcoming trip to California! Whilst in a pub trying Guinness for the first time I was sure I came across one of Class Warrior Phil’s distant Irish relatives, they were leaning against the bar regaling tales of how they had just been to buy a pair of Farrah slacks, red socks and Doc Martins. Speaking of the mighty Warrior himself, he delighted in telling me about the piss-up he had with his skinhead friends the other night….via the Internet…. using webcams…while his wife sat neglected in the front room watching telly, oh dear.

Monday – Stephen & Freddie

The Food: Paella, various lovely sides!

Jeesy Creesy Freddy makes a good Paella! I think I may have actually seen Jules the Hummus shed a tear of joy as he ate his massive bowl full!

… hold on right there, I have just been asked to sponsor a child to look after an egg for a week! That idea surely had to come from some crack smoking session in the teachers lounge one break time! But then again, I do seem to remember doing a sponsored bouncy castle bounce when I was a kid! How ace was it being at primary school!?! Ace and random!

Tuesday - Emma C & Julius

The Food: Wedges, chilli, rice, nachos, cheese. Mint choc cake

If in doubt, make a chilli. And we were in doubt this week, for some reason Jules and I were all kinds of miserable and sulked all day for no reason. So, to cheer us up and bring some other people down, we turn my iPod way up and sang along. We think you should download our (my) three faves and sing along too… Here’s the words and everything!!!

A Little Doubt Goes A Long Way by Reel Big Fish

I gotta go gotta go gotta go before I do something stupid
I gotta go I gotta go gotta go gotta go before I do something lame I know it's your fault that I’m in the mess I’m in And you think It’s cool but I don’t man Maybe its too soon but I think it's too late And things like bad timing just won’t wait Maybe it's not right (I have a girlfriend) made a friend tonight (who is a girl and) I just wanted to talk you but then I started wondering if she's the one, or not So I gotta go, gotta go, gotta go before I do something stupid I gotta go, gotta go, gotta go before I do something lame I know that flirting is nothing and it should be where it ends But I know yes I know that I want you for more than a friend Maybe it's not right (I have a girlfriend) made a friend tonight (who is a girl and) I just wanted to talk you but then I started wondering if she's the one So I gotta go, gotta go, gotta go before I do something stupid but I know, I know it's too late

The Impression That I Get by Mighty Mighty Bosstones

Have you ever been close to tragedy? Or been close to folks who have? Have you ever felt the pain so powerful, so heavy you collapse? I've never had to knock on wood, but I know someone who has. Which makes me wonder if I could. It makes me wonder if I've never had to knock on wood. And I'm glad I haven't yet because I'm sure it isn't good, That's the impression that I get. Have you ever felt the odds stacked up so high, you need a strength most don't possess? Or has it come down to do or die? You've got to rise above the rest. I've never had to knock on wood, but I know someone who has. It makes me wonder if I could. It makes me wonder if I've never had to knock on wood. And I'm glad I haven't yet, because I'm sure it isn't good. That's the impression that I get. I'm not a coward, I've just never been tested. I'd like to think that if I was I would pass. Look at the tested, and think there but for the grace go I. Might be a coward, I'm afraid of what I might find out. I've never had to knock on wood, but I know someone who has. Which makes me wonder if I could. It makes me wonder if I've never had to knock on wood. And I'm glad I haven't yet because I'm sure it isn't good. That's the impression that I get. Never have, I'd better knock on wood. 'Cause I know someone who has. Wonder if I could, it makes me wonder if I've never had to. I'd better knock on wood 'cause I'm sure it isn't good. And I'm glad I haven't yet, that's the impression that I get.

It’s 5 O’clock Somewhere By Jimmy Buffet

The sun is hot and that old clock, is movin' slow, and so am I. Work day passes like molasses, in wintertime, but it's July. Getting paid by the hour, and older by the minute. My boss just pushed me, over the limit. I could call him something, think I'll just call it a day... Pour me something tall and strong. Make it a hurricane, before I go insane. It's only half past twelve. But I don't care, it's five o'clock somewhere. This lunch break is gonna take all afternoon, half the night. Tomorrow morning I know there'll be hell to pay, but, hey, that's all right. I ain't had a day off now, in over a year. My Jamaican vacation's gonna start right here. If the phone's for me you can tell them I just sailed away.... Pour me something tall and strong. Make it a hurricane, before I go insane. It's only half past twelve. But I don't care, it's five o'clock somewhere. I could pay off my tab, pour myself in a cab, and be back to work before two. At a moment like this, I can't help but wonder, what would Jimmy Buffett do. Funny you should ask Alan, I'd say... Pour me something tall and strong. Make it a hurricane, before I go insane. It's only half past twelve, but I don't care. Pour me something tall and strong. Make it a hurricane, before I go insane. It's only half past twelve. But I don't care, it's five o'clock somewhere. ... but he don't care, I don't care. Together It's five o'clock somewhere.

Wednesday – Paul & Andi

The Food: Pie n peas.

Paul made his very own mushy peas from scratch for this meal… FROM SCRATCH! They were lovely too.

Here’s how to the lovely James Martin does them there mushy peas…

Mushy Peas (serves 4 people)

225g/8oz dried marrowfat peas 1 tsp bicarbonate of soda 35g/1¼oz butter salt

Soak the peas in a large bowl, in three times their volume of water with the bicarbonate of soda for at least four hours or, if you have the time, overnight. Drain the peas, rinse under the tap, and place on the stove in a large pan and cover with the water. Cover and bring to the boil and once boiled, reduce the heat and simmer the peas for 1½-2 hours, stirring from time to time. The peas should be soft and mushy in texture but not too dry. If they are wet, continue cooking over the heat with the lid off to dry out a little. Beat in the butter and season.

Thursday – Sheena & Katharine

The Food: Pasta bake, vegetables. Chocolate-coconut cake

My god I really have no inspiration for this blog, I really don’t! If you have made it through crap I have written so far, well done! You deserve a cookie!…Aaaww I want a cookie now… Here’s a cookie recipe, please follow it and send me one! I’ll be your bezzie mate!…

Snickerdoodle (hehe, snickerdoodle!) Cookie Recipe
This is a simple cookie recipe that will surely delight young and old. The cookies are coated with cinnamon and sugar for an extra special taste.
Ingredients
• 1/2 cup butter, softened • 1 cup sugar • 1/4 teaspoon baking soda • 1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar • 1 large egg • 1/2 teaspoon vanilla • 1 1/2 cups all purpose flour • 4 Tablespoons granulated sugar • 1 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon
Directions
Preheat oven to 375 degrees. In a mixing bowl, beat the butter on medium speed for 30 seconds. Add the 1 cup sugar, baking soda, and cream of tartar. Beat until combined, scraping sides of bowl occasionally. Beat in the egg and vanilla until well blended. Beat in as much flour as you can with the mixer, and stir in remaining flour. Cover with plastic wrap and chill for 1 hour.
Combine the 4 tablespoons sugar and 1 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon. Shape the dough into 1 inch balls and roll in cinnamon sugar mixture to coat. Place balls of dough 2 inches apart on an ungreased cookie sheet. Bake for 10 to 11 minutes or until edges are beautifully golden. Transfer cookies to a wire rack to cool.

Friday – Rowena & Gill

The Food: Something wonderful no doubt!

All I remember of this day is the rant Katherine and I had as we always do when reaching on a Friday morning. I think this particular rant was something to do with the state people leave the canteen in, we really could go on for hour on that one [insert long grumble here]. This week however I am leaving Katherine to whinge to the mighty Clive who will no doubt just nod along to whatever Katherine says as he will only be able to here the rock soundtrack that runs through his head constantly. If you are in a quiet room with him I swear you can hear the AC/DC that’s playing in his head!
I really should try harder to remember what happens in the kitchen, I do try though, promise I do!

Ok what am I listening to going on around me right now….

*Katharine threatening to kick my head in if I don’t spell her name right!
*A boring phone call
*Someone talking about the wonders of diggerworld…oh my god, this place looks ace!!!!!… www.diggerworld.com Get yourselves off!
*Someone doing a lot of stapling... the fun!

Right I’m off to prepare for the Wakefield Food, Drink and (obviously) Rhubarb Festival this weekend!

Eat Lightnin’ and Crap Thunder 28/01/08

Hello again, I think I’ll start by sharing a few things I have learned about the Sumanoids this week (note: one of these ‘facts’ is a complete fabrication, it’s up to you to guess which!)

-            Phil the Class Warrior himself is the easiest person in the world to wind up! (he has a pony and a butler dontchano?!? )
-            Norman (who does a wonderful job by the way) played Mickey in the Rocky films (it’s all about ducking and weaving apparently)
-            Billy owns an otter who he collects carrot shavings and celery ends for. He’s called Fred I think.

Now onto the important bit!!! (ahem)…

Monday – Stephen & Sheena

The Food: To be totally honest, I can’t remember!

I fell really quite bad about not being able to remember the food because Stephen’s food is always ace! And combined with a Sheena pud, well, what more could you ask for?!?! … I’ll tell you what more you could ask for, to be served said lovely food on a free day off on a beach along with a raspberry daiquiri!!! Mmm…

OOOHHHH I REMEMBERED THE FOOD! It was a beautiful lentil and polenta bake with vegetables, and pudding was chocolate muffins! Phew…

Tuesday - Emma C & Julius

The Food: Rice, curry, dhal, naan breads. Chocolate muffin trifle.

Have you noticed the theme emerging already? Yes we had a surplus of chocolate muffins to use up this week, so as well as been placed out for snacks, made into trifle bases and used for food fights, they are also being used to insulate the warehouse walls and to placate the various Sumanoid offspring wondering about the place who are on half term.
I did have to stop Jules trying to crumble some up and put them in a bread mix, him and his bread obsession, I think he may have a problem…

Wednesday – Andi & Kate

The Food: Rice, sausage casserole, salads. Fruit

I lurve sausage casserole, in case you wants to make all by yourself, here’s how to good people at www.sausagefans.com do it!…

Vegetarian Sausage Casserole - Serves 4

Preparation time: 10 minutes  
Cooking time: 30 minutes
Ready in: 40 minutes

Ingredients: 1 pack Vegetarian Sausages, cut into bite-size pieces
1.5lb potatoes, peeled & cubed
2 tbsp veg oil
1 medium onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic, chopped
1 bay leaf
2 tsp thyme
2 apples, peeled, cubed
1lb carrots, sliced
1 tin chopped tomatoes
1/2 pt veg stock
1 tbsp tomato puree
1 tbsp vegetarian Worcestershire sauce
1 tsp English mustard

Directions: 1) Par-boil the potatoes, set aside.

2) Fry onion in the oil for 2 minutes, add garlic, bay leaf & thyme, fry 2 more minutes. Add apple, carrots & sausages.

3) Continue to fry until the sausages are nicely browned.

4) Add tomatoes, tomato puree & potatoes, vegetarian Worcestershire sauce & mustard. Simmer until cooked.

Pure satisfaction on a plate that all the family will enjoy!

Yummy for your tummy!

Thursday – James & Emma C/Sadia

The Food: Butterbean & celeriac soup, chilli, jackets, bruschetta salad, apricot bread and butter pudding

Yes apricot bread and butter pudding. I thought I had improvised that but then I was watching ‘Come Dine With Me’ earlier this week and saw some old bloke do it! It didn’t look as good as mine though! I think I’m getting quite good at improvising, I was thinking about going on Masterchef but then it would mean having to actually be in the same room as that little bald judge who devours the whole plate of food in one massive mouth full! I’m sure I've seen his jaw dislocate more than once! Euick!

Friday – Rowena & Katherine/Emma C/ Karen

The Food: Thai green curry, rice, salads, bird’s eye chilli drizzle. Chocolate iced sponge

When I first started here at Suma 3 years ago I couldn’t do spicy food at all, but now I love it! And Rowena’s Thai green curry is one of my faves, especially with a bit of the bird’s eye chilli drizzle on the rice, yum yum yum!

As is becoming a weekly thing now, I’ll let you in on exactly what is going on around me as I write this, at the moment I am listening to someone talk someone else through what sounds like how to use a computer for the very first time. They have so far being talked through the difference between a website and an email, had explained what an underscore is (it’s like a little line, ON the line, press shift… shift is the one with a little arrow on it), and being told that a forward slash is a little straight line type thing that slants up and forwards, said person has the patience of a saint, I personally would have lost the will to live by now!  

And on that note we come to the end of yet another blog! Bye bye!

How to bake bread – 21/01/08

Hello blog readers, I have been off for a week so I’m a week behind with the blog, which means I now have to cast my mind back to two whole weeks ago to remember what people cooked and what happened! I wish I had regular comedy Scrubs/Family Guy style flashbacks happen to me….
… Dammit, I was hoping if I tilted my head to the left and stared vacantly into the middle distance something would come to me, it didn’t. So I’ll have to make it up again!.

(Thankfully I was surprised at my own foresight as I had written down what people had been cooking throughout out the week! So at least the food is fact, I’m not promising anything about the rest!)

Monday – Sheena & Jonny S

The Food: Rice, Chilli, nachos, cheese, tomato salsa. Blueberry muffin cake

As usual, I have no recollection of this day whatsoever, so instead I shall inform that I am currently sat listening to a debate about the differences between soft, firm and silken tofu. This would have never have happened when I was working for coca-cola, all we talked about was how we could get through the rest of the day without letting the boss know we had run out of work, and how many weight watchers points we had used so far. The conversation has now moved on to how if you don’t eat dairy, you start to smell it on other people and have just been informed that cows are cute. I’m off home…

Tuesday – Emma C & Jules

The Food: Fresh bread, cream of mushroom soup. Brown lentils, tomato & Mozzarella salad. Jam roly-poly

How to make your very own fresh bread… According to Queen Delia…
‘1 lb 8 oz (700 g) strong white bread flour, plus a little extra for the top of the bread 1 level tablespoon salt, or less, according to taste 1 level teaspoon easy-blend dried yeast 1 level teaspoon golden caster sugar about 15 fl oz (425 ml) hand-hot water
Pre-heat the oven to its lowest setting. You will also need two 1 lb (450 g) loaf tins or one 2 lb (900 g) loaf tin, well buttered.
Begin by warming the flour in the oven for about 10 minutes, then turn the oven off. Sift the flour, salt, yeast and sugar into a bowl, make a well in the centre of the mixture, then add the water. Now mix to a dough, starting off with a wooden spoon and using your hands in the final stages of mixing, adding a spot more water if there are any dry bits. Wipe the bowl clean with the dough and transfer it to a flat work surface (you may not need to flour this). Knead the dough for 3 minutes or until it develops a sheen and blisters under the surface (it should also be springy and elastic). You can now either return the dough to the mixing bowl or transfer it to a clean bowl; either way, cover it with cling film that has been lightly oiled on the side that is facing the dough. Leave it until it looks as though it has doubled in bulk, which will be about 2 hours at room temperature. After that, knock the air out, then knead again for 2 minutes. Now divide the dough in half, pat each piece out to an oblong, then fold one end into the centre and the other in on top. Put each one into a buttered tin, sprinkle each with a dusting of flour, then place them side by side in an oiled polythene bag until the dough rises above the tops of the tins – this time about an hour at room temperature. Alternatively, place all the dough in the one tin. Meanwhile, pre-heat the oven to gas mark 8, 450°F (230°C). Bake the loaves on the centre shelf for 30-40 minutes, or 35-45 minutes for the large loaf, until they sound hollow when their bases are tapped. Now return them, out of their tins, upside-down to the oven to crisp the base and side crust for about 5 minutes, then cool on a wire rack.’
Jeesy Creesy she doesn’t half go on! Now here’s how to make bread according to Jules ‘The Hummus’ Nicholson…
‘This is the recipe for one loaf. Differs slightly from Delia's. For some reason the bread this makes is very moreish!?!

500g / 1lb white bread flour
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp quick yeast
1 tsp sugar
1 rock of crack
300ml / 10 fl oz warm water
1 tbsp olive oil

Oven - 220 C or gas mark 7

1. Mix together flour, salt, quick yeast and sugar.
2. Carefully measure the water and mix it roughly into the flour.
3. Knead well for several minutes until it feels ace.
4. Leave in a warm place with a damp tea towel over the top. Should double in size.
5. Knead again for several minutes on a floured surface.
6. Put into bread tins or shape and put on a baking tray.
7. Cover again and leave to rise for 1/2 an hour
8. Bake for 35 - 40 mins’
Jules has become a bread making demon, by the time I got there in the morning he had already made 8 loaves in tins, 3 rolls on trays and a bread statue of the hanging gardens of Babylon, I bit a chunk out of that one just to stop him being so bloody fancy!

Wednesday – Paul T & Sarah

The Food: Pizza, garlic tomatoes, coleslaw, pasta bean salad. Jam & cherry sponge. Maple pecan cake with custard.

As you know by now, Pastry Paul is in a band called the Mouldy Joes with a couple of other Sumanoids, one of them being the Class Warrior himself, Phil Downsbrough. I found out today that Phil downright refuses to play if anyone in the crowd earns more than 30k a year or owns a set of golf clubs, and god only help any poor little emo kid that might show up hoping to enjoy some Irish folky goodness, The Warrior might just wrap his bass right round his be-fringed little head!

Thursday – Sadia & bits of Kate, Emma C & Jules

The Food: Lots of lovely curries!

Despite have 3 different helpers throughout the day, Sadia managed to make lots of lovely curries! She also let me make the yoghurt! I am Sadia’s ongoing Indian cookery student, she told me I started off at about the level of an 8 year old , and I’m now up to an 11-year-old, yey!

Friday – Rowena & Gill

The Food: Russian pie I think!

Today Rowena made Russian pie just to wind up Dr Egg who was still being the Vegan Dr Egg of Suma. In retaliation, he shimmied down the drainpipe outside and squeezed through the window by dislocating one of his hips, he then silently slipped a mobile phone in Rowena’s pocket. Little does she know that it is a recording device and the people back and VTU (Vegan Terrorism Unit) are listening to her every word. It will explode as soon as she realises that she has been tapped!

In conclusion, I’m still not able to talk to Jules like a normal person yet, he has had the second series of Spaced for about a year and still hasn’t watched it! I’m going to have to make him watch it Clockwork Orange style soon if he doesn’t hurry the hell up! He has also yet to see an episode of Family Guy…tsh…I know.

The Queen Returns - 14th Jan

Hello! For the next couple of months I, the Queen of Wakefield shall be writing the blog. Jules the Hummus has been sentenced to 12 weeks locked in a room with nothing but water, a DVD player and a lot of cult TV shows. This is so that I will soon be able to have a normal conversation with him. At the moment, our talks go something like this…

Jules – ‘Insert some clever, funny observation about one of the Sumanoids’
Me – ‘Ha-ha, remember that episode of Friends when that same thing happened?
Jules – ‘No, I have children, I have never seen Friends, Simpsons, Scrubs, Family Guy or any of the ace films you talk to me about all of the time!’
Me – ‘You suck.’
Jules – ‘No, you suck’
Me – ‘Screw off’

Or

Me – ‘Have you seen that episode of the Simpsons where…’
Jules – ‘No, I have children, I don’t watch TV’
Me – ‘But, you must remember when…’
Jules - ‘No!'
Me – ‘Didn’t you even see the one…’
Jules – ‘Seriously, no’
Me – ‘You suck.’
Jules – ‘No, you suck, I’ll do time for you Wakey’
Me – ‘Jog on’
Then Jules will stare at me blankly as I will him silently to get the ‘jog on’ reference. He doesn’t.

In other news, this weeks blog is dedicated to all of the poor little kindhearted emo kids that have ever been, or ever will be abused by Phil Downsborough on a train. Phil was known as ‘tidy beard’ under the Hummus Regime, but under mine, he shall hereby be known as ‘class warrior’ (at his own request mind!). But little does Mr. Warrior know, that I shall be using the term ironically as he claims to be a member of the great working classes but he does work for Suma; a hippy workers cooperative, and he owns a PONY! He’s like the opposite of Mrs. Bucket off of Keeping up Appearances! Anyway, here’s what occurred in the kitchen last week…  (disclaimer: I’m having trouble remembering last week so all of the below, apart from the food bits, are most likely fiction. I am going to make it so that Jules doesn’t understand any of it… yet!)

Monday – Stephen & Sheena

The Food: Lemon rice, Tuscan bean stew, a plethora of salads. Lemon drizzle cake.

Today, for no reason at all, Stephen was like Dr Cox off of Scrubs, after an hour someone made the mistake of asking if we had any yeast extract, no, not  the brand of yeast extract we already have out, the other brand. This made Stephen launch into this rant whist tightly gripping a large knife…

“Listen, Dorothy, you've been here over a 10 years, do you not get that I don’t care about which brand of yeast extract you want by now? If you do want my opinion on anything at all, well here’s the skinny, you can rest assured that when I ever I hear one of your whiney, unreasonable little requests it just serves to remind me that you're an incredible pain in the arse and that every time I see your lentil-pie-doll face, it just makes me wanna pick you up and shake you until all the hours of my life that you've wasted...fall out.”

No one bothered him for the rest of the day. And lunch was lovely!
Sheena spent most of the day being called by various different girls names and went home crying.

Tuesday – Emma C & Johnny S

The Food: Brown rice, rat-a-too-ee (that’s how Disney spell it!), salad with seeds, brown lentils. Some kind of cake.

It disturbs me that I can’t even remember what cake I made myself just a week ago! Anyway, I do remember that I subjected poor Johnny to my music for most of the day. His only condition was that we don’t listen to any ‘shouty metal music’. So I skipped past those tracks, except for Limp Bizkits versions of the George Michael classic, Faith. It just reminds me of all of the Friday nights I spent in the local rock club dancing my ass off to the same songs every week! That’s right DJ Malc, you could have at least changed the order of the same tracks, but no. We still went every week though despite the shit DJ because, and you will know this if you have ever been to Shakey Wakey, there are very few places to go if you look a bit different if you don’t fancy getting beaten up of a Friday evening.
Johnny didn’t mind too much though as we did manage to find some slightly indie stuff on my iPod to make him happy.

Wednesday – Paul & Julius

The Food: Cheese & onion pie, probably 5 cakes.

I was off being ill today, so all I can tell you about today is that The Jeremy Kyle Show must give out free cans of Special Brew and Elizabeth Duke vouchers in order to get that amount of chavs in the same room at the same time. 

Thursday – Julius & Sheena

The Food: Rocket & mushroom soup, pasta salad, potato salad, banana cake.

I was off ill again, I wasn’t very happy as I was supposed to be cooking today but instead was still in bed most of the day. Boo, I did finish watching the 5th season of Scrubs and started the 6th, yey!
Today was also the day that I got excited about my 3 months trip to California, which I am hereby naming ‘Emma’s American Dream!’ from today it is exactly 12 weeks and 4 days, so by the time you read this it will be even sooner, yey! 

I’ll stop using ‘yey’ from now on I think.

Friday – Dr Egg & Katherine (and a bit of Amy)

The Food: Rice, curry, dahl. Bread & butter pudding

Today, again for no reason at all, Dr Egg turned into a vegan Jack Bauer for the day. He managed to cook a lovely dairy free meal all from behind an upturned table talking into an imaginary ear piece, shouting ‘DAMMIT’ a lot and shooting at people with a banana. I wonder if he caught any terrorists that day? The last time I saw him he had someone tied to a chair and was torturing them for information with a vegetarian haggis and a car battery.

Yuletide Pomeranian - No Date in particular, more a medley of the weeks running up to Christmas

Monday

I was suffering from acute viral nasopharyngitis, or acute coryza, usually known as the common cold. Common symptoms are sore throat, runny nose, nasal congestion and a desire not to perform mass vegetarian catering.

It is sometimes accompanied by sneezing and a desire to stay off all day watching Jeremy Kyle in your pants.
The symptoms of a cold usually resolve after about one week, but can last up to 14 days. Symptoms may be more severe in weeklings and work shy cock monkies.
Although the disease is generally mild and self-limiting, patients with common colds often seek professional medical help, use over the counter drugs like temasicrack, and may miss picking.
The annual cumulative cost of the common cold at Suma is billions of quid in lost person days.
A huge amount of Garlic prescribed by Dr Newton in the Suma canteen has been proved to limit the spread of the virus.

Worryingly, in some the virus can cause a fat moustache, like the man made entirely out of Berries.

 

Tuesday - Waking Stevens and Rowena

There follows many pictures of Suma at Christmas. While browsing you should hum a Christmas Ditty of your choice, something off the Phil Tidybeard Spector Album, Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses. Soon to be covered by the Spice Girls.
What a top team for the Christmas lunch, washing up and keeping everything real, courtesy of Tricky The Landsnail, Altitude caterer of the year 1999. Here he is.

Wednesday - Paulo and Trout Eyes

What Wednesday would not be complete without reference to Pastry Paolo, King of the Badgers, with his lovely big Huddersfieldy fingers. A man who can pleasure a room full of ladies via pastry alone. Here he is.

With him is our Graham with a quick reminder.

Look at how Graham is gazing at Paolo. He’s saying,

‘take me out in your truck Paul. Together we can rule the whole of South and Central Wales…… If we can get Flesh Gordon on board, we can take the whole country in one super delivery’.

There’s lovely.

Either that or he’s spotted that the inside of Paolo’s ears are full of pastry.

Thursday - Butterbean and Fredy Star

This is Cockney Bill who used to play bass and do backing vocals for Chas and Dave before he arrived at Suma. Nice bloke. He’s got more rabbit than Mac’s fridge freezer.

Friday - Rhi and Daydream Believer

The best moment for me during the Christmas meal is when Bonnie Tyler comes in and plays Total Eclipse of the Arse on his squeezebox.

Once upon a time there was light in my life.
No there’s only love in the dark.
Nothing I can do.
Total eclipse of the arse.

Some of the keys don’t work but it is a lovely moment.

Dr Egg makes a fantastic Nut Roast En Croute. The Queen of Wakefield is ace. Tricky keeps it real, Andi Butterbean helps with some freestyle dishwashing and I walk around saying I wish I was Paolo.

Also, Christmas Party news. Larpey got his bum out again. This time no pyrotechnics.

Fortunately no one saw the fanny side.

That’s it until the New Year.

Hope that Santa fills all your stockings with fairly traded Bulgur. I’ll leave you with a gift from Macademia, it’s a festive Pomeranian called Herod.

Merry Christmas from da canteen. Innit?

Gill Scott Heron – 26/11/07

Monday - Stephen and Freddy

Mediterranean mezze
Falafel
Hummus
Carrots cooked in pomegranate

All very fine and cooked by Stephen. He had to work solo for much of the morning as Fredy was taking his siesta early today. He curled up in the canteen storeroom for an hour. He said his siesta was ‘very nice’.
The siesta is the traditional daily sleep of the Iberia peninsula and through Spanish influence, of Latin American countries. An afternoon sleep is also a common habit in calderdale, Kirklees and some areas of Buying (ext.849).
In these areas, the boredom can be unbearable in the early afternoon, making a midday break ideal.
The original concept of a siesta was merely that of a midday break. This break was intended to allow people time to be spent with their friends and family, farting under a duvet.
Other names for a siesta may include: cat nap, power nap snooze, doze, kip, or simply, skiving off for 40 winks under the ping-pong table on the mezz.
Come on we’ve all done it.

Tuesday - Waking Stevens and Rowena

Rowena cheesey beans
Squeezy cheesey peas
Sweetcorn frittas
Mexican rice
All the buyers arrive wearing ponchos for this meal which is a nice touch.
El Hadj Geoff takes it a step further, arriving on a mule and shouting,
‘Badgees? We don’t need no stinking badgees!’
After too many tequilas he spends the afternoon asleep under a tree.
Tequila is made from blue agave. Suma sell agave syrup (LJ099) available from all good Suma retailers. In theory then we could make tequila in the canteen.
The tequila slammer is a cocktail served in a short glass. It is made with equal parts of tequila and a carbonated beverage, often fentimans ginger beer (known as a Geordie Slammer), Purdeys (known as a Yuppie Slammer), Whole Earth  Lemonade (known as a Hippy Slammer) or Champagne can also be used, and this is called a Slammer Royale.
The drink gets its name from the way it is commonly consumed; the usual procedure is to leave about a fifth of the glass empty to allow the drink to fizz, then to hold one's hand over the top of the glass and to slam it onto a hard surface to mix it.
It is basically a cure for feeling sober.

Wednesday - Paulo and Trout Eyes

Pies
Broc
Cabbage
Carrots
Gravy
Two puddings

This is great because I never really get the chance to work with Paul these days and as you know I have a deep love for him. Although that love has been tested slightly this morning because the silly sod left the oven on again over night.

You may be able to pleasure ladies using pastry alone Paulo but that’s no good if your mullet is on fire, is it?

Great to see the big guy in action.

Bosh, bosh, bosh. Pies and puddings done by 8.30am. We spend the rest of the morning talking Sergio Tachini.

Song of the day on 6 music is The Bottle by Gill Scott Heron.

See that gent in the wrinkled suit
he done damn near blown his cool
to the bottle
He wuz a doctor helpin' young girls along
if they wuzn't too far gone to have problems.
But defenders of the dollar eagle
Said "What you doin', Doc, it ain't legal,"
and now he's in the bottle.
Now we watch him everyday tryin' to
chase the pigeons away
from the bottle.

This is a great record. Paolo busts his moves all over the canteen and ladies throw underwear.

I get carried away and throw mine too but they land on a cheese and onion pie.

Paulo gives the pie a wipe and the customers are none the wiser apart from Liam Downsbro who says the puddings were great but the main course tasted a bit ‘panty’.

He still had eleven helpings.

Thursday - Butterbean and Fredy Star

I have no idea what happened on this day in the canteen, so lets look at what happened on this day in History.

Not bloody much sadly.

However it is the 333rd day of the year, 334th in leap years. In 1899 on this day the Spanish Football club Barcelona is formed. I think I am right in saying that Barcelona FC is owned by its fans, so it’s basically like a dirty great co-op.

This is why Suma has strong links with Barcelona FC, and is why Ronaldinho can often be seen in the Suma canteen eating an apple through a tennis racket.

FC Barcelona attitude to shirt sponsorship is unique. They have no commercial message on their shirts, instead they have UNICEF on their strip and Barcelona pay UNICEF $1.9 million per year.

Another Barcelona star that frequents the canteen is the Argentinian, Lionel Messi. He eats in there on a late shift. He has become big pals with Late King Melling and often helps Norman too.

Friday - Ri and Daydream Believer

This is a recipe of something nice that Rowena often makes. It is yours, free, no charge. Aren’t you glad you subscribe to this, the greatest on-line account of vegetarian catering written anywhere in Elland this winter?

Of course you are. Enjoy. And peace to all you cock monkeys.

Westlife.

Feta & Courgette Bake With Bulgur

Serves 4-6

¾ cup coarse bulgur wheat           
¾ cup boiling water                       

2½ tbsps Vegetable Oil
2 cups sliced onions
4 cloves garlic, minced
½ tsp dried oregano
½ tsp dried basil
½ tsp dried marjoram
1/8 tsp black pepper

2 eggs lightly beaten
1 cup grated feta
1 cup cottage cheese

1 tbsp dried parsley
2 tbsp tomato puree
1 tbsp tamari

1 cup grated cheddar cheese
2 medium tomatoes thinly sliced
1½ tbsps sesame seeds (optional)

Pour boiling water over bulgur, cover and leave to stand for an hour or so.  Then add tamari and tomato puree.
Meanwhile saute onions and garlic in oil until onions are translucent.  Add courgette, dried herbs and black pepper.  Continue to sauté over low heat until courgettes are just tender – do not be tempted to overcook..
In a bowl mix eggs, feta and cottage cheese.
Oil a 9 x 9 inch casserole dish.  Layer first the bulgar mix then the veg and then the  feta mixture. Top with cheddar cheese and cover with sliced tomatoes. Sprinkle with a thin layer of sesame seeds.
Bake covered at 180°F/350°C/Gas mark 4 for 45 minutes.  Remove cover after 30 minutes for a crispier topping.  Leave to  rest for 5 – 10 minutes before serving.

This recipe can be easily adapted to suit what’s available.  Try swapping the courgette for broccoli or cauliflower (or even a combination of the two).  If there’s no cottage cheese available I frequently use a mixture of crumbled plain tofu and crème fraiche (always available in the Suma fridge).

A message to you Rudy - 19/11/07

Monday -  Tricky and Freddy

Banana soup!

Banana bloody soup!

Are you trying to get me sacked?

Celeriac soup.

Celeriac Bloody Soup!

Healthy Safely Tim will have to shut down the whole top office due to bad farting.

We can’t very well blame that on the reachers, can we?

Roast peppers, roasted spuds and cake. Probably.

 

Tuesday - Waking Stevens and Rowena

Sausage and pasta hot pot
Mash
Brown rice
Green beans with SD toms

Delicious, wholesome. Just right for the dark winter days. Comforting.
Hotpot has its origins not in the Lancashire cotton industry as is often thought, but in the West Yorkshire Wholefood Wholesale Industry.
A quick and simple dish to prepare with long slow cooking, the story goes that female Suma workers, in particular The Queen of Wakefield would prepare the dinner in the morning, place the Hotpot in the Suma ovens and many hours later it would be ready when the pickers and warehouse workers turned up.
Others suggest that it was a dish prepared for office workers to take upstairs wrapped in a blanket, it would keep hot and make a nourishing lunch in the cold and difficult conditions in Buying and Purchase Accounts.
The FACS claimed that it was a wonderful dish to prepare and take to the Management Committee meeting, made in tall pots and also wrapped in a blanket.
The smoking community maintain that it was a smokers dish often eaten by smokers on the moors outside Suma.

 

Wednesday - MC Butterbean and The Moaklah

Andi back in the canteen.

Happy Days

Sunday, Monday, Happy Days,
Tuesday, Wednesday, Happy Days,
Thursday, Friday, Happy Days,
Saturday, what a day,
Hummus all week with you.

Moaklah stepping out of the shadows to bust the show wide open with a butternut squash soup.

You shouldn’t have done that luvvie!

Lets get her cooking.

Sharpey! Park your Lexus or Volvo or whatever this week
and Rota da Moaklah in da canteen before she escapes.

Shabba. She’s gone.

Coming soon to a canteen near you Suma friends, Andi and Sadia.

That really will be Happy Days.

I may even grow moustache to celebrate, like the man made entirely of berries.

Thursday - Em Wakefield and Kate

Have just been in the special place.

No not there you dirty cock-monkey!

The canteen.

Guess who I was sitting next to. I’ll give you a clue,

Beeeeeep-honkkkkkk!!!!! Get out of the road you scum! Hello credit control.

That’s right, your friend and mine, Mr Philip Tidybeard. We were listening to 6 Music, which is the station of choice for the canteen and indeed much of Suma.

Sometimes in the Warehouse they play Planet Rock or The Arrow.

Jesus, that is enough to make you want to throw a sicky and pretend to have a migraine. The small hairy one is often to blame or Sir Clive of Norland.

So me and Tidybeard were in the canteen listening to 5-4-4-6 by Toots and The Maytals.

Phil wants to be in a Ska band and I suggested to him that he starts slipping a few Ska tunes into the repertoire of The Mouldy Joes. He said they’d tried to do A Message To You Rudy but they just sounded like a bunch of white guys.

Der.

They’ve tried Baggy Trousers too but that didn’t work. They should do It Must Be Love. Paulo could do that, no problem. In between verse he could flash his knowing grin of a man who can pleasure a room full of ladies via pastry alone.

I’ve seen him do it. Not actually doing it.

Friday-  Rhi and Daydream Believer

Rowena back from Barbados.

Back once again with the renegade master,
D-4 damager
Power to The people
Taxi!

Not only is the warehouse haunted by the ghost of Stewart Stevenson but he also haunts these pages.

So Rowena is back and looking tanned and rested. She told me that she had been in the best restaurant she’d ever been in. Beach location, setting sun, amazing food.

Handsome nosebag.

The only criticism was that it had been too good. Un be-known to her, also in the restaurant had been a Suma customer. She’d found this out by bumping into them at the airport on the way home.

It is a small world.

Wouldn’t like to paint it.

I’m off to weekend-myself-up. Blink and it’ll be Monday for another day and another dollar in Wholefood-Heaven.

Peace to you, my monkies.

Acker Bilk - 12/11/07

Monday -  Stephen

Here is some photographic evidence of the people’s republic of Suma. Can you feel their power?

I can, I can actually smell the power from here. It smells mmmmm, powerful.

Notable people. Front row, third from the left Big Daddy Kane. On his left is Edward Scissor Hands. We don’t let him pick anymore. He was making a right mess of the three-kilo bags.

Also in the front row in the bright red t-shirt is Anakin Skywalker, top Leeds based Jedi and Suma IT monkey.

She is from Wales and has Llaeth in her coffee, which means milk.

In her bag is a Bruce Springsteen CD which she plays very loudly on the way to work to focus her Jedi mind on the tasks of the day, namely keeping Podcast, Eclectic Dave and the PICS Droid Brereton from scrapping about who knows the most about hard drives and mice and monitors and stuff.

 

Tuesday - Waking Stevens and The Old Trout

Shit look.

It is the ghost of Doctor Stewart. He appeared before smokers outside riding a ghost bike and shouting Taxi.

Stewart is now in Cambodia where he is almost certainly

• Not doing returns
• Living the dream
• Keeping in real
• Not driving a reach truck
• Drinking Valerian Tea

 

Wednesday - the Cyborg and The Believer

Here is a photo of Suma legend Speggy Gledhill.

Things you should know about him.

He is a warehouse legend. At one point our Personnel department tried to clone him during a week of late night experiments. The idea was to create the perfect Suma worker and thus reduce our wage bill.

The experiments were a partial success as the worker known as Geoff Caramac was created.

Geoff is currently on sabbatical. He has taken a year out to learn how to play the clarinet. He wants to be the Acker Bilk of Calderdale.

Bilk is also a Japanese product which combines the beauty of beer and milk according to the fountain of all wholefood, werewolf and odd knowledge, the customer serving, and dolphin munching Macademia.

Other things to know about Speggy Gledhill; he survives entirely on flapjacks and cannot walk past a piece of rubbish in the warehouse without stooping to pick it up and put it in a bin in one seamless liquid-body-popping-person-day -saving movement.

 

Thursday - Eggdoggydog and Katherine of Tarragon

This is Pierre Von Reach. He is the company secretary of the People’s Republic of Suma. When not on a reach truck he likes to sneak around the warehouse wearing a black floaty cape and freaking people out

He loves all things Blackburn Rovers, like Jack Walker, Alan Shearer, Mark Hughes and Morten Gamst Pederson. He used to like the monkey-pig Craig Bellamy but not any more.

He has taken me to see his beloved Rovers a couple of times with Big Jim Purch. It is a family club. Going there makes Pierre feel nice. Especially as they are quite good at the moment

 

Friday - Rhi and Daydream Believer

This is a man that is made entirely out of berries.

Strawberries, Blueberries, Cranberries and Mckeithy Goji Berries.

He is literally a Berry Man. At the moment he has grown a big moustache for charity. Although clearly he really wants to have one but feels like he needs an excuse.

I grew one for a fancy dress party last year, a droopy one. At the party I got more interest from ladies in one night, than I have had in my entire life (which is not hard, admittedly). I wanted to have one full time but my lady wouldn’t let me.

Clearly she was scared.

Might suggest that the Berry Man and me get moustached up and go into town on Friday night and see how long it takes for us to get smacked.

One, two, three, four..

Owww! That really hurt.

Maybe I’ll stay in instead and watch The Big Lebowski, drink White Russians and scoff Suma Organic Fairly Traded Dates (DR720) available from all Suma Stockists.

Mmmmm. Datey.

The People’s Republic - 05/11/07

Monday -  Stephen and Freddy

PICS down. The Droid has been dragged from his hermetically sealed Gortex Pod.

Anakin is in her hooded dressing gown, using all her Jedi mind skills, sending people to the warehouse and not to their computers, without actually speaking to them. Electric Yoda the same.

‘Mmm. Not at a desk are you. Helping with returns will you be.’

Anakin already knows what Podcast is getting her for Christmas – she felt his presents.

They tie a rope round Jim’s waist and feed him into the server. He returns an hour later covered in slimey-tofu and we are up and running again.

Technological problems do not hamper the canteen. It is a beacon of vegetarian catering so bright that it can be seen from seven counties;

Bulguria
Hummushire
Greater Couscous
Norfolk in Yoghurt
Nuttolenia
County Tabasco
Tropical Wholefoodshire

So bright is that beacon, Freddy and Stephen are forced to wear sunglasses which adds to the Mediterranean feel that Stephen creates with his Spanish music and love of garlic.

Tuesday - Waking Stevens and The Old Trout

Mixed roast vegetables. Potatoes, carrots, squash and fennel. Seem to be having that rather a lot at the moment. Oh well. And to go with it a brown lentils and chard with cumin. I like this and I won’t apologise for making it too much, so piss off.

Quickie hippy trifle. I told Wakey not to bother with a pudding.

Did she listen?

Did she feck.

I know what she’s got on her i-pod. It says

‘don’t listen to that old hippy cake-sucker, do your own thing, man’

on an endless loop.

I know someone who once had sex with the late great George Best. I’m sure most people know someone that once had sex with George Best, maybe not such a big claim to fame.

Anyway, he makes love like a footballer, he dribbles before he shoots.

Kyak Kyak.

When you are in the warehouse you can hear what you think is the ghost of Sid James. It is in fact Saint Trudolph of the mezzanine. She has a filthy laugh but would do anything for you. On many occasions she has bent over backwards to accommodate me.

Kyak Kyak.

She votes Labour and is an expert on precipitation my love.

Trudolph the red knows rain, dear.

Wednesday - the Cyborg and The Believer

Pizza
Cashew nut rice
And Paolo’s lovely Bakewell Tart.

Apparently, the delicious concoction that bears Bakewell's name came about as the result of an accident in 1859. Apparently a cook was making jam tarts and almond cake at the same time. Before she started she’d had a dirty great honk on a crackpipe, obviously some kind of long lost Great-Aunty-Cousin-in-Law of Wakey-Croxall.

She mistakenly poured half of the cake mixture into the prepared jam tart crust. Not wishing to throw out the unintentional mix, she popped it in the oven.

We could easily invent some kind of legendary future cake in the canteen. Must encourage the team to freestyle it a little more.

Team! Freestyle it a little more. There, done.

Thursday Eggdoggydog and Katherine of Tarragon

Vegetable Pie
Mushy Peas
Mash
Cake

Two people just came up to me and said that I definitely have a beard.

Fantastique.

I never in all my wildest dreams thought I’d have a beard. Actually, that’s not true.

In my wildest dreams I have full and rich purple beard, with tinsel woven into it.  When anyone tugs it, I fart the theme to Friends.

Anyway. Great. A bloody beard what’s next?

Glasses I hope.

That’d be ace. Think I’ll lay off the carrots. I do feel glasses may be on the way. I’ve started to have to peer at things, you know, in that way that people do. Someone asks you a question and whereas previously I’d have just read the answer off the screen, now I have to peer first.

Brilliant.

Might look at glasses on-line now instead of writing this crap.

Friday - Rhi and Daydream Believer

I ask Rhi if she is doing anything nice at the weekend. She says her man is taking her to Barbados for a week as a treat.

No bloody kidding.

That is certainly something ‘nice’.

I was more expecting her to say, ‘we might go to that nice little café in Haworth’.

Not Barbados.

Barbados is known for it beaches, cricket, and couscous. It is illegal to eat anything other than this small over rated dull grain. They have it with milk for breakfast, in a soup for lunch and between sheets of lavatory paper, as sandwiches, for supper.

Rowena while drinking in a bar late into the night, talks about how versatile bulgur is and gets thrown in a cell for the night.

Barbados is one of the more populous and prosperous Caribbean islands. Political, economic and social stability have given it the second highest standard of living in the developing world after Suma.

I once asked Cozzie Mandias, king of reachers if he had done anything ‘exciting’ at the weekend.

He had.

He’d done a parachute jump. He wasn’t making it up, you could see it in his eyes and by the way he told me in one sentence (that lasted twenty-five minutes) what it had been like.

Anyway. I don’t have much exciting planned for the weekend. Jogging, sit-ups, squat thrusts to keep in shape for catering for the People’s Republic of Suma, where we all get paid the same and fed at lunch time so we have the strength to live the dream.

‘Taxi!’

Was that the ghost of Stewart Stevenson that wanders the warehouse and pretends to make love to people behind their backs when they’re not looking. I think it was.

Over and out.

Black Beauty– - 29/10/07

Monday -  Stephen and Freddy

Canteen has gone Balsamic bonkers due to new Suma balsamic vinegar and white balsamic condiment.

Steven cooks pasta with a chard, lemon and white balsamic sauce.
Lentils with roasted veg and dark balsamic
Garlic Mushrooms
Red onions in a balsamic dressing

It is

• The finest Balsamic Vinegar originating from Modena
• Premium Oak aged Organic Balsamic vinegar, at least 5 years old
• Produced under Organic standards
• Produced by the Lorenzi family farm deep in the Modenese hills

I wonder whether the Lorenzi family will let me work at their place. I could become one of the Lorenzi brothers and ride a scooter, take lots of showers, love my mamma, live the dream and have siestas.

Freddy is a devil for a siesta. He loves it. It is literally his favourite shit.

Unlike the sharp tastes usually associated with vinegar, the Balsamics present a rich dark complex of sweetness and intrigue, like one of Paolo’s dirty great pies. What a tosser.

Only kidding. We all love Paolo, with his big fingers and odd outlook.

The customer serving Macadamia nut visited Wholefoods Market in London when it opened. They let you try all the stuff for free, it’s their ‘thing’ to do that.

They let Mac loose on a thousand year old balsamic. The dirty sod had the lot on an organic dolphin burger. He loves vinegar. It cost the American superdupermarket seventeen grand.

Nice one Macca.

Pudding was phat. Baked apples with fruit, honey and vanilla filling.

Tuesday - Waking Stevens and The Trout

Seven Bean Chilli (Red Kidney, Canellini, Haricot, Canellini, Flageolet, Butter and Red Kidney)

You do the math.

Lots of roasted vegetables. Spuds, carrots, squash, fennel.

Like many of its fellow spices, fennel contains its own unique combination of phytonutrients—including the flavonoids rutin, quercitin, and various kaempferol glycosides making it a strong antioxidant.

Also makes you fart like a port and Drambuie pickled wildebeest on Boxing Day.

This proves true as Healthy and Safely Tim has to close four aisles in the warehouse due to bad farts. Almost certainly the reachers. They can move in and out of a location so very quickly and they don’t give a shit.

Baked apple sponge cake for pudding.

This was whack shootingly good and won Liam Downbro’s cake of the week award. Liam is a keen amateur plumber and as a prize for the fine cake, Em was presented with a Golden Shower.

 

Wednesday the Cyborg and The Moaklah

Pasta, Bread, puddings (about ten probably) and then some toffee.

Paulo made toffee. 3 people lost fillings. Flesh Gordon, Carolyn and Katharine. Katharine’s mother has told me via Katharine to start spelling her name right. Am worried that people in the real world may be reading this cack.

Sorry Mrs Tarragon.

Bad day for Suma’s teeth.

Alison knocked a tooth out in the warehouse. It was left hanging by a thread. Rushed to the Dentalist, £300 damage apparently, she was in a BT race with Tidy-Beard and bottomed out at the top of Q-aisle.

She was lucky. Road-Ragey Phil would’ve killed her if she’d won.

Halloween, the day of the disappearing teeth. Tooth Fairy doing an extra quarter in the Halifax area.

Halloween party at home for our youngest. Her favourite dish was some pomegranate juice with two ice hands floating in it. Liam would have liked that. Liam loves Halloween. Apparently on Wednesday at home he painted his face fluorescent with deep zombie style gashes.

I bet he didn’t get lucky that night.

Imagine his luminous boat-race bearing down on you in the dark, in the throws of ecstasy?

Nightmare.

Then trick or treating. Then a some big glasses of whisky with ice.

Thursday - Eggdoggydog and Katherine of Tarragon

Chickpea Curry
Dahl Chana
Spicy spuds

Vegan love-god barge monkey and steam enthusiast, Eggdoggydog, mixing it for the vegan masseeeeve.

Get that honey out of here.

Talking of steam enthusiasm, we went yesterday to the train museum at Ingrow (reminds me of toe nails).

The museum was quiet but really good and the kids had a laugh. It feels markedly different from a visit to the Doctor Who exhibition at the Science museum in Manchester which is chuffing (a good steamy swear word) rammed.

Today I’m sitting next to Gazza in sales.

Think Daniel Craig in Phoenix Nights and you’re not far wrong. I’m going to call him Black Beauty. Over the course of the last few years, I’ve found out he’s been a Junior Surfing champion,  stock car driver and military attaché that was shot in the leg and most amazingly, a City fan.

You can see why I call him Black Beauty. He’s a real dark horse. Apparently he’s also a qualified surgeon, astronaut and circus ringmaster?

Lastly, he loves pie butties which we don’t often serve in the canteen. Sorry Gaz. I’ll go and play where I live. He does this as well

http://www.markemtighter.co.uk/

As for the vegan love monkey. Does he deliver the goods? Course he does. The curry was from the very top draw. Especially the Sophie Dhal which was so good, it made me quack like a duck.

 

Friday - Rhi and Daydream Believer

Then I saw her clean
Now I’m a believer
Not a trace
Of crap anywhere.

Cheesy oat slice
Roasted veg
Balsamic reduction. This is hubba hubba and we all weep with joy.
Tom and mozzarella (buffalo, I’d hate to milk one of those muddy-funsters. You’d have to warm your hand first)

Also………

Rocket
Carrot Salad
Cake

Mesmerisingly delicious. From the top draw, the ambassadors underpants. A weekend away from wholefoods for us all now. That means a bong starter, pot noodles for main course and Angel Delight for pudding all weekend long. I for one can’t wait.

I’m going.

Now.

No, I won’t quickly make you some bulgur.

Piss off. I’m done.

Photographic Evidence– - 22/10/07

Monday -  Stephen and Freddy

Have had some time off so my idea of what has been going on is somewhat sketchy.

More sketchy than usual.

Regular readers that surf will now be thinking, Dude, that’s pretty fecking sketchy.

As way of covering this up we have some Photographic evidence of the canteen and its people in action

Firstly,Tidy beard.

This belongs to Phil. See how tidy it is. Don’t be fooled. He’s a mentalist. If you see this in your rear view mirror in south central Halifax, pull over, you’ll be in serious danger of a road ragey incident.

This beard is one half of the Liam and Noel combination which I’ve had to bar from the canteen on more occasions than I care to remember.

Tuesday - Waking Stevens and Rowena

Here is the second half of the Liam and Noel Downsbro’ combination – the short hairy one.

Look at him. Jesus. In this picture he has been without cake for nearly half a day and the pressure is beginning to tell. Shortly after this was taken we had to put him in the genital cuff and lock the door until cake was ready. We then fed it to him on a long shovel and he calmed down.

Wednesday - the Cyborg and The Moaklah

Here we have Rowena, an excellent provider of top dollar vegetarian food. In the white is Daydream Believer. Look at how happy and chilled out they are.

This is because Gill is top canteen helper and she’s done it all. This is reflected in their happy faces.

If it was me and Wakey cooking, the dishes would be piled up in front of shot and Wakey would have a face like a slapped arse because she’s young and they do that, don’t they, the young.

They don’t know they’re born.

Wakey. Do you know you’re born?

Dunno.

Told you.

Thursday - Tricky The Landsnail and Kate

Look at Vegan Barge Monkey, Egg Doggy Dog and his chopper. Kyak-Kyak.
A piece of ass like that makes you want to give up honey and leather for life.

Friday - Stephen and Superskiv Day

This is what can happen to you if you never eat in the canteen. I have been trying to get Gerald into the canteen to eat for the last ten years.

Never.

Not once.

Not even when Paolo does a pie and four puddings. We’ve had Sir Clive of Norland eating there. That was a landmark but not Gerald.

Gerald has spent so much time on his beloved bike that the atoms from his bike have started to meld with the atoms from his body so he is now more than 50% bicycle. He drinks WD40 and spends his breaks propped up against walls. In this picture, I think he has a puncture.

He has promised me he will eat there once before I leave.

Do I believe him?

Dunno.

That’s it from me. It’s the weekend and I’m off to freebase crack off the arse of a shire horse.

Not really. I’ll probably do the garden.

Good couscous.

Pointy Area– - 15/10/07

Monday - Old Trouty and Eyecandy Spence

One of those curries that you are unsure and uninspired about all the way through making it, even when you put it out you’re not sure. Then it tastes really good. Probably because you get all the Patak’s Pickles out. Mixed pickle, Lime Pickle, Garlic pickle, Richard Branston Pickle.

Probably the best thing in the world to have on toast is peanut butter and Patak’s Brinjal Pickle.

Be warned – it is so very good.

I had some in 1984 as a young boy (mullet and Pringle Jumper, Howard Jones on the walkman) and have been unable to have anything else on toast for twenty-three years.

Curry was……

Brown lentils with chard
Brown rice
Potato and cauliflower
Naan
Paperback Rahita.

Dirty story of a dirty man and his cleaning wife doesn’t understand. Paperback Rahita.

Paperback Rahita

The brown rice was in fact organic white basmati, cooked in a special way that Sadia learned me, in da canteen, innit.

You fry onions to death-murder (Todmorden in German)….. So fry them to death in the bottom of a pan until they are black (like a cellar full of snakes) then add a half-teaspoon of garam masala and a half-cup of water. Stand back at this point as the pan does something you would usually associate with Dumbledore or Ron Weasley.

Steamyanus!

Then cook the rice as normal. I use 1 part rice to 1.5 water. Bring to the boil with a well fitting lid and simmer until rice is done. Usually fifteen minutes or so.

Rocket Ronnie Spencer rescued my dry banana sponge by covering it in organic strawberry jam and a dusting of icing sugar.

Spencer cake was born.

It was beautiful. Even a visiting strongman from a hard Yorkshire circus wept at how fine it was.

Tuesday - Waking Stevens and Katherine of Tarragon

Boys this, boys that. Mmmm. He’s nice. Look at my new i-pod. Blah-blah Christian Slater blah. That’s a nice colour. Mmmm, purple, thanks.

That’s all very lovely girls but it’s not getting the lunch cooked. C’mon. Crack on. Jesus.

Tsk.

So Emma cooked. I use the term ‘cook’ loosely here as lunch seemed to be basically bread and cheese.

Unfair. It was a plough-persons midday meal. Everyone in the warehouse laid down his or her ploughs. Shire horses even had some in their nosebags.

There were cheeses, pickles, salads and pretend meats and of course a cakey from Wakey.

Many people enjoyed this, finding it a real change from curry.

What are they trying to say? I’m gonna to do Nuttolene curry, every day for twenty years now, just to spite them.

Wednesday the Cyborg and The Moaklah

I’ve no Idea what Paolo Badger made so prepare for a paragraph of utter russel-dust.

Have you ever heard that six degrees of separation thingy? It’s the theory that we are all only six steps away from knowing everyone else in the world. My mate Jeb FK had a pen pal. This pen pal, his dad was a session musician in the sixties (a bassist play like Roadragey-Tidybeard, only quite good), he once met President Nixon…….

Hang on a sec.

Health and safety Tim just had a quiet word with me after I’d stifled a sneeze.

Apparently if you do that you can burst a blood vessel in your head (my mate the Dalai Pofna once met Buster Blood Vessel of eighties ska band Bad Manners, so there another six degrees of separation waiting to happen…..)

So Tim had stifled a sneeze in a health and safety training day and someone had tapped him on the shoulder and told him to be careful.

Jeez those guys must have a laugh. Like inviting Scooby Doo and Shaggy round but without the getting high and having the munchies part.

Back to the original six degrees of separation.

1. Me
2. My mate Jeb FK
3. His Pen pal
4. His Pen pal’s Dad
5. Richard Nixon

So anyone that Tricky Dicky knew can be linked by this 6 degrees of separation, directly back to me. Might be a load of bollocks but I quite like it. Makes me think it’s a small world.

Wouldn’t like to paint it though.

Paolo (who can be directly linked to Martha and the Muffins) probably made a pie.

Thursday - Tricky The Landsnail and Kate

Tricky the giant African Landsnail phoned in poorly so it was Katherine of Tarragon and I.

If Tricky the was Welsh, not African, he’d be a Llandsnail.

Chilli and chips, coleslaw, salad tropical upside down cake. Katherine full of cold. Me full of crap.

I was mostly boring her about the fact that I was off for a haircut that evening.

Had it done. Didn’t really look that different. I quite liked it though. The only person that noticed was Katherine four days later. Lovely lass.

Friday - Stephen and Superskiv Day

Autumn Pie
Carrots
Spiced Red Cabbage

I once heard a station announcer in an American Station saying over the loud speakers,

“A red cabbage and a deacon in the pointy area please”.

Me and my pal looked at each other and said at the same time, ‘

“did he just say ‘a red cabbage and a deacon in the pointy area please’ “.

At which point the message came over the loud speakers again, very clear.

“A red cabbage and a deacon in the pointy area please”.

This is the main reason that I like red cabbage so much. It’s nice with balsamic vinegar and the emperor’s new cloves.

I should equally like deacons and pointy areas too I suppose but I don’t like them as much.

It was a very busy station. Tsk, it was like Grand Central Station in there. It was actually Grand Central Station.

Am drying up now like a barrel full of Bulgur.

Have a good weekend, stick to the path and beware of the full moon.

Holy Shit – 18/10/07

Monday - Stephen and  Freddy Star

Pasta Bake.

Comforting and cheesey, this rings a lot of peoples bells. Liam Get Downbro’ for one. Having said that everything dings Liam’s  dong food-wise. He’s the Homer Simpson of Suma.

‘Mmmm, something.

Cake. Whoo-hoo’.

He usually comes into the canteen every fifteen minutes to check everything is okay.

Also today, Chickpeas with roasted peppers, nice.
Green beans and sundried tomatoes, this is lovely.

What else? Oh yeah.

Apple tart with whipped double cream and vanilla. This is so sweet and fine but I allow myself only half a teaspoon full. Too many puddings, not enough sit-ups in my life at the moment.

 

Tuesday - Waking Stevens and Old Trout-eyes

The weather outside is rainy, you’ll never hear me complainy.

Not when there’s chilli, chips and cheese anyway.

Also cake with chocolate icing. Em makes a cake then stabs it with  knife, over and over.

Holy shit.

Mental note to self, ‘don’t piss off Wakey, she’s clearly well out of whack’.

Phew it’s okay she stabs the cake so that when she pours the delicious icing over the top it soaks into the cake.

New mental note to self, ‘probably okay to piss off Wakey, a little bit’.

Double Holy shit. Found out where the Scissor Sisters got their name.

Fannymungus.

Am so naive. What does naïve mean? Errr, something to do with nephews and nieces, I think? Thanks Rob Murdoch.

Also find out at very short notice that Environmental Health are here and they may join us for lunch.

Triple holy shit.

Feel like Basil Fawlty and keep seeing rats out of the corner of my trouty eyes.

Must be hallucinating due to passive crackpipe abuse from HRH Wakey.

Decide to have a lie down in the sick room while Roly rubs my temples and strums ‘A message to You Rudy’ on a Ukulele. Mmmm.

Thanks Roly. I feel nice now.

Back in the canteen……..

Christine Cagney, who used to go out with Marc Blanched Almond but ditched him for New Robert comes in with a load of school kids.

She is being interviewed as a female trucker in a positive role modely kind of way. The kids are nice and take photos of Wakey and me, we’ll probably end up on facebook.

Wednesday - the Cyborg and The Moaklah

Leek and potato soup
Risotto
3 types of bread (Hovis, Allison’s and Warburton’s, probably)
Maple and Pecan cake
Flapjack

One Pastry Cyborg
There’s only one Pastry Cyborg

I once went to lunch at Paolo’s house, many years ago now. He made us a three-course lunch with a choice of puddings. So I know that he lives like this at home too. Lucky Mrs pastry.

I went with my good-lady-wife, eldest daughter and newborn daughter number two. We were quite emotional, having just had a baby and having zero sleep. It can do funny things to your mind. We had both been in tears after watching an episode of Grange Hill where a little boy had this tuba thrown in a canal by some bullies.

So we went to Paolo’s and after lunch he took us on a little walk and showed us several ‘alleys’ where the ripper had dumped various victims.  Pastry overdose followed by virtual crimewatch.

Lovely Paolo, bless him. I don’t think either of us left the house for about a fortnight after that.

 

Thursday - Tricky The Landsnail and Kate

Wicken Fen sausages.
Speckled lentils, certainly not Puy, Casserole
Mixed leaf Salad with apples, toasted pecans and goats cheese. This is Hubba-hubba. I dig it in a big way.

Do you also dig graves? Yeah, they’re all right.

And cake.

I’m training Juggly Neil in the sales office. He’s very good, hardly needs any training at all. He can take an order and juggle samurai swords at the same time. I feel more of a spare part than usual.

He is one of the Mouldy Joes,  he plays the sexophone and whistle in Paolo’s backing band. He receives a phone call that the CD of the album ‘Back, Sack and Craic’ is ready for collection. For details of how to obtain a copy, email

mohairpillows@suma.co.uk

Here they are in all their glory. Roadrage Phil (far left), then Pastry Paolo, and then Juggly Neil.

Doesn’t Paolo have the knowing smile of a man confident in his ability to pleasure a lady via pastry alone?

Yes, I think he does.

The others do not work at Suma but are being headhunted as we speak. The mandolin player is the brother of Wikepedia Naylor who has the greatest general knowledge of any one I know. She hires herself out as a ‘phone a friend’ for Who wants to be a Squillionairre, 25% which I think is very fair.

Is Paolo King of the Badgers or Prince of Moles?
King of Badgers
Final answer.
Final answer.

 

Friday - Rowena and the Queen of Wakefield

Habas Rose Con Queso
Hot Sauce
Mexican Rice
The Queen of Wakefield’s famous bread and butter pudding.

The Queens Dad now works at Suma,  Prince Steven of Wakefield. He never eats in the canteen as he is too busy shooting tigers and saying inappropriate things to minorities.

That’s it for another week. Thanks to Amy Hummushouse who does all the technical stuff because she can and I can’t.

Have a Wholefoody weekend.

The Nutty Professor - 11/10/07

Monday - Me and Eyecandy Spencer

I get a text from Eyecandy Spencer on Sunday night. He’s going to be late in on Monday morning. He has taken Nattytraffic and Indianna Jones to Newcastle to do the Great North Run and the homeward journey takes him six hours. He’s tired.

Lazy sod, it was the other two that were running.

I tell him he can come in late but vow to make the kitchen so messy he’ll cry.

Before he arrives I do the dishes and make a Banana, mango and baked custard sponge.

Main course is Potato curry and Sophie Dahl.

Spencer does a salad and fries up a load of pine nuts.

Filthy minx.

Johnny keeps up with dishes which is no mean feat as every five minutes ladies are dropping spoons on the floor so Eyecandy will bend over and pick them up.

When he does they say ‘phwoar’ over and over again and slap the backs of their necks.

Here he is, lovely lad.

Ooops. Just pick up that spatula, would you Johnny, love.

Tuesday Waking Stevens and Gilly

 

Wakey makes Chilli and fajitas. It is a busy day in the canteen, luckily Emma had her skates on and had a spare pair for Gill.

To go with the fajita, she makes  margaritas.

The Margarita is the most common of tequila base cocktails. made with Triple Sec or Cointreau or other orange-flavored liqueurs, and lime or lemon juice, often served with salt on the glass rim.

Salt your rim Sir?

I’d rather you didn’t.

The drink was invented in a bar in a one horse town in called Brighouse by a bar tender by the name of Johanne Trousers, so named due to his love of outlandish pants.

The bar was Rancho La Reachtruck, midway on the old road that connected Mankinholes with Slack Bottom.

A showgirl and sometime actress who called herself Rhiannon De La Wages (she regularly played piano in and around Brighouse at the Hotel Del Couscous) was one of the customers. She was allergic to all hard liquor, except for tequila. She didn't like to drink it straight or even with a lemon and salt.

Trousers started experimenting and came up with a concoction that was three parts white tequila, two parts Cointreau and one part fresh lemon juice. He added shaved ice and blended the mixture with a hand shaker.

The rest is booze history.

This is all pretty much true

 

Wednesday the Paolo

Pizza and Salad

Chocolate pudding with a chocolate. Served in a chocolate bowl and to be eaten with a chocolate spoon.

He’s so predictable.

Look at me.

Look at my puddings.

Did you like the pizzas?

He’s some pictures of me in the eighties with my mullet, here’s some ones of me as a baby.

‘Did I ever tell you